barely holding on

There are days when I look at the tenuous thread connecting me to Catholicism and wonder when it will fray, allowing me to drift away.

There are days when my sturdy, ropey connection to Catholicism makes me feel supported, strengthening my resolve to speak up on issues that break with God’s love.

The loves that tie me to this faith are vast and varied and soul-nourishing.

At the same time, the aspects of Church teaching that I cannot bear cause me to wonder if this faith is right for me.

Isn’t it weird that somebody who has spent much of her life learning and teaching about Catholicism while actively practicing this faith still struggles with parts of it?

Sometimes I want to go back to a time when I could just show up at Mass and live my life being a good person, unconcerned with the larger happenings in the Church. I want to, but I can no longer return to the sweet bubble that was once mine. Not when I’ve seen the injustices.

Today, my heart is heavy as I peruse the news and pray for all who are injured by this both divine and very human structure we call the Church.

I pray for the nuns and all those who care for migrants on the border.
I pray for gay people and gay Priests who are told they have no place in this faith.
I pray for Black Catholics who continue to be targeted because of the color of their skin.
I pray for Indiginous people who suffered at the hands of Catholic boarding schools.
I pray for people who have endured abuse from Priests and Bishops.

I pray for the lay-people who continue to do the work of the church, even after they have been harmed, because they have felt the power that comes from knowing God’s love and want to share that love with the world.

I also pray in thanksgiving for the beauty the church brings to my life: for Mary, for the Eucharist, for the teachings of Jesus, for the model of the Saints, for Catholic Social Teaching, for learning that care for others is instrumental to life, for community, for love, and for those who lay down their entire lives to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

And I pray for all of you, because when I’m struggling the most, I look at this little pocket of the internet and feel nothing but gratitude in realizing I am not alone.